im pissed

Fuck I cannot win for loosing. I am having a really hard day today but my wife and kiddo are worth it. I though we got past this, I thought I was proving myself. Now I'm extreemly depressed. I did nothing today, I actually got some work done and Kelly came home assuming I did wrong because I was upset. Now 2 hrs later sure enough I found another stash so im sticking it in my shoe and im not sure what to do. I cant believe there is anything left here but i guess ill put it up or toss it. Idk what to do.

Im clean but if i tell her i found somethinf she will start all over, at least if i hid and or choose to toss it we wont fight. I just want to stop fighting. I see her I see my wife here and there signs that shes still kelly. I feel like shes using the drungs and drinking as a way to justify me fucking up talking to other woman. I figure she out of everyone would know i could stop anything at the drop of a dime but she just dosent. I cannot seem to prove myself and now i have a delema because i was so upset i actually check everything again and found something ikd what to do fuck.

Got my infection looked at. Heads throbbing and Im sick as a dog. Hope we can be ok today. Im seeing my old kelly again. Im such a shitty person and I know it but i just need her to be with me and not against me at this point. I love her but im being honest.

Yes im hiding cleaning up the rest of my mess but only becasue I know when shes mad she dosent think and that is my fault. Ive had my carreer threatned and what she dosent get is it dosent mean shit to me. I hope she will take the time one day to read this but today i applied for 2 jobs just hoping to get one so I can give all this shit up. I want her to know I care.

Jobs:
https://www.google.com/search?q=,marketing+jobs&oq=,marketing+jobs&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l7.3199j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&ibp=htl;jobs&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwj1vpjlyM_oAhUCnq0KHQJQBQMQp4wCMAB6BAgLEAE#htidocid=VEd63S1C34TsQMpUAAAAAA%3D%3D&sxsrf=ALeKk01rnhwYnN-1s9Tu5QkUtGS-WRovig:1586030702902

Im willing to give it all up job and everything for my family but i need another day of her at nikkis. I got so much shit out. I know im not perfect but we both as well as our friends for a year now have done this and im the idiot who has a fear of people digging through our trash because of our community standings so I hoard empty shit. I also need to get behind her dresser where I hid some empty shit. I just want to fix this and I cant go an hour with out being accused of something.

the fucked up part im really being honest and she dosent care and I dont blaime her. ive begged for a drug test becasue im actually being honest for once and she wont hear me.

Fighting Again

We are fighting again. Kelly finds old caps and she blows up. I love her so much and Im trying so damn hard. She has littearly found old thing after old thing and accuses me of bs. Im legitimatly in pain and trying and she keeps finding old stuff. What do i need to do to prove my point to her. I keep trying to scale the whole house because she misses everything and then she explodes.

I have a massive infection ans I cant get past a single day with being accused.

TODAY:

Empty cap and empty bag but refuses to let me drug test for her.

How do I fix this.

Emotional Abuse Sucks

Ive been trying to stay away from stupid shit for weeks and no matter how hard I do kelly makes every day even harder. Im going to be honest here, brutally honest. This whole thing started with control. I just wanted to have control of my life. I got so tired of being called names or told I did not do anything. Then it lead to real issues, it lead to me making stupid choices and I own that.

Ive always felt no matter our struggles I could at least provide a safe home comfert and good sex. When i was told my dick wasent working i lost it. I felt like she wanted another man. The last time we had this fight about our sex life I found out about Clayton and now shes back and I fucked up. 

Thankfully all i did was talk, but i still hurt her and im such a piece of shit for that. I really feel like a failure. I have dreams and goals and it seems like now that they are falling into place we have gone in diffrent directions over stupid shit. I guess overall what hurts the most is that when Kelly wants thing its ok,  but when i do i have issues. I want her to see me and understand me and that i dont deserve to be treated like this. I know shes angry but she lead to a lot of this.

I do not react well to others trying to control me and never have. Neither does she. When I tried to control her with Clay it exploded and her doing the same to me will get the same reaction. Working with me and respecting me is key. Instead she trys to use humiliation which will only drive me away.

Ive been trying my best to get rid of shit, Im tired of feeling like my wife is the state fucking prosicutor. i rent a movie and cook she finds some old cap from months ago. When the fuck will Kelly realize no matter how or when she cleans until the horder cleans shit is always going to pop up. God let her go for 8 hours so i can jsut finish this shit already im so fucking sick of it. 

Cleaning

Again ive been cleaning. Tired of trying to hide my past and getting into fights trying to clean where shes missed. Today just to make a point and hid an empty bottle in the tv center in the room. So rather than clean ive been honest all day and she freaks over me cleaning the garage yet again im the bad guy. How does she expect me to do shit when shes blowing up and missing the big picture. Uggh

Dinner

Dinner is cooked and as I assumed war again. Im trying to get through this, I love my wife and my family but man Im not sure how to get her to realize when im doing any good, now all she does is attack an get angry even when im being honest. Im not sure what she expects from me at this point?

DO I keep trying because I love her? Or do I give up because her opinion will never change?

need to be prepared

They tell you its not easy making it though a need for substances in your life. What they dont tell you is that those you care about most will fail 100% of the time. The hardest thing in the world is going for 38 hrs through excruciating pain and continually getting accused of using drugs. I find it almost comical now. Im planning and preparing to cook dinner and ill put 50 dollars on the fact that while I clean and cook tossing any trace of a negative me I can find my wife will start a fight.

Im wrong and I know this but I also know at this point nothing I can do will be right. Ive walked a thin line, gone the 2 days and shes on me when i shit, drive and even breath. I just know mid cleaning the shit thats still laying around shes going to snap and its ok im prepared now. When people care to much they can destroy what they are trying to fix.